Desperation

This post is mostly just a plea to the universe.

I feel desperate. I need help. It’s crazy that I feel this way especially since I started actively trying to receive psychological help, but it isn’t helping. I got a call yesterday about calling the place I see a therapist at about rescheduling an appointment. This is the third time for this therapist I’ve had to do this. I’ve rescheduled more appointments than I’ve had with her. I’m sure she and the larger organization as a whole don’t think this is funny, but I’m gonna say it just in case.

This isn’t funny.

I don’t know if I just don’t seem sick enough to them to treat seriously or what but I’m desperate. I can’t remember being this depressed ever before in my life. It’s getting worse and I need help. I’m trying to get help but none of it is doing anything but causing me greater anxiety, which is also noticeably getting worse. Everyone around me geographically seem to specialize in substance abuse, and because I don’t suffer from this in particular they won’t even see me. But I need help!

I’m chronically ill and dying a slow and painful death. I am plagued with feelings of inadequacy and trauma. My whole life has been a soap opera of events that have gone unresolved and unsettled. I had to abandon everything I thought I knew and wanted due to illness and financial circumstance. I’m diagnosed, before things got this bad, with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. PTSD has been mentioned but I don’t have a diagnosis for it.

I’m trapped at home because it hurts to even sit here and type this. Going out and doing anything is exhausting. I’m twenty-three and miserable and, I can’t stress this enough, I NEED HELP!

I don’t need to be institutionalized, I just need a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, whatever! who has time for me because I’m insanely depressed and my anxiety is getting worse and I feel desperate. I don’t know what else to do besides keep trying to find help but I feel hopeless in regards to the situation. I just need help sorting through my head. I need help confronting and dealing with the things I dealt with as a child. I need to be able to talk to someone about how I’m dying a slow and very painful death now! I need medicine to help me and another human being to guide my conversations.

I thought mental health was more accessible than ever now? How come in the movies and TV shows, the therapists are so helpful yet all the ones I’ve found seem to be useless in the thing I am going to them specifically for: my mental health.

So far, I handle my problems by ignoring them because there is just so much to unpack it’s overwhelming. I’ve never seen a therapist where I reached an end to my story. Where I just have nothing else to add to the convoluted mess that is me. I saw a therapist consistently for six years and I still had things to talk about with her.

I’m terrified that I’m gonna lose my mind or snap in some way. “And then what?” is the only question right now that prevents real thoughts of suicide, but I ask that same question about life too. And then what? And then what? And then what?

Like I said, I feel desperate and hopeless. I’m getting by currently by pretending everything is okay, but I’m tired. So tired. And everything I imagined I’d do when I grew up is a lie. I didn’t want to be a famous singer or actress. I never dreamed of going to space or digging up a dinosaur. I wanted to work in the science field, my whole life my focus has mainly been there. And now my hands shake too badly to pass my labs in college. And I’m too poor to go even if I wasn’t sick.

My dream wasn’t unrealistic or even difficult for me to achieve, but it’s completely unobtainable. I can’t do anything and the future isn’t bright for me, it’s bleak. Unless something drastic is discovered soon in regards to MS, I’m a dead man walking. And I’m so bitter and angry about this whole situation.

Things are okay, or at least I’m not ready to give up yet. I just need a break of some sort. I don’t even know what I need anymore, I just want to be able to breathe again. And I want a therapist who has time for me. I need a therapist who will work with me. I need help and I’m tired of feeling like my psychological health isn’t enough. These people got to go to school and are able to help people. I’m desperate for help. I’m begging for it.

~ JessaSage ~

P.S. I’m gonna be okay. The frazzled and hectic mess of this post is due to writing it in emotional turmoil with no proofreading or editing of any kind. Just written in the heat of the moment with all emotions laid bare.