More specifically, my own. I’m not qualified to talk about either subject as subjects since I have minimal (if any) study in the subject. I’m behind on the terms used and the general movements taking place in regards to the two subjects. That being said, I have been thinking a lot about where I fit into the mix because I’m aware that I am not cis-straight 100% or however it’s appropriately described. I haven’t really discovered much on where I fit in, so if someone reading this has answers, advice, etc. on the topic I’m all ears.
I want to preface this with acknowledging that I understand for a lot of people, gender identity and sexuality are massively important topics. It is also important to me but I think how I’m about to talk, it’s going to sound like I’m being unsympathetic. I’m sorry in advance. So here goes…
I’m female, but that fact literally means nothing in regards to my life. I don’t look at a choice and think “I wish I could do that but I’m a woman.” I either fail or I succeed but that’s based on my own merit not my gender. I try not to put gender on things like activities or things. Pink isn’t a girl color and blue isn’t a boy color. They are colors. Any gender given to it was a human decision and therefore can be undecided by humans too. I’m a human and have decided colors don’t have predetermined genders.
Wrestling isn’t a male sport. It typically appeals to men more, but I wrestled and took down boys on the mat. Gender had nothing to do with it. I believed I could win and I didn’t listen when people said I shouldn’t go out on the mat because I was a girl. Being a girl didn’t mean I couldn’t win, which was the ultimate point of wrestling. Being a girl on the mat just made other people uncomfortable but had no determination on my ability to succeed. The only real thing it impacted was my weight class.
Gender doesn’t matter to me. I know it really does to some people, but other than medically, I don’t understand why my gender should impact most of my decisions. It’s a non-factor in terms of my life and has no impact on my identity as a human being. It is okay to me when gender does matter to someone, for that person, but why should one person’s gender identity be used to determine other people’s? Gender roles are nothing to me, but they might be to someone else which is okay to me as long as that person doesn’t try to impose their own beliefs of gender onto me because it means nothing to me. I don’t know if that has a name or where that means I fall into the whole thing. I am a woman and I’m fine being a woman, I don’t really want to be anything else, but if I was anything other than a woman I wouldn’t be bothered by it.
Here’s my understanding, stance, belief, philosophy, whatever on gender: Gender has many truths. My truth is that it is an unimportant detail. Someone else’s truth might be that typical gender roles are fulfilled. Both truths can be facts individually. One person can live with gender roles and I can exist without them. I would be fine remaining female or unbothered being anything else. Someone else might have their identity tied to being accepted as a man or woman. Separate truths that can be laterally accepted. I can prefer the pronoun “she” and someone else who looks exactly like me can prefer to identify as “they” at the same time. The problem comes when you try to impose your truth on other people. So just be chill and call people what they want to be called. Pronouns are gibberish we have assigned meaning to. We can change the assignment at any time. It was a human decision and as such can be unmade by humans.
Sexuality is also something I’m pretty unbothered by. I’ve never, and I mean never, tried to force my straightness. I was single digits the first time I wondered if I was a lesbian. I was in middle school when I accepted both genders were awesome. I was in high school when I realized there were more than just two genders and that I didn’t seem to mind any of them in regards to finding them attractive or not. College was when I realized that marriage wasn’t something I was interested in. Post college I’ve realized that, while I can find anyone attractive, I’m not interested in physical intimacy.
I feel like my sexual preference went from thinking I had to make a choice to realizing I didn’t have to limit myself. Fortunately for me, I’m not limited by who I find attractive, because who I find attractive isn’t limited by gender. Personality, intelligence, physical traits, lifestyle – those determine attractiveness for me, but I understand some people aren’t attracted to every gender as I am. The wonderful thing about that understanding is that it’s okay for people not to agree with me. I think everyone has the potential to be attractive to me, but someone else might be attracted strictly to a singular gender and that’s okay too. Their choice has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them personally.
“I don’t want to have to worry about being stared at in the locker room.” That has nothing to do with sexual attraction and everything to do with sexual deviancy. It doesn’t matter what gender either person is, if someone is staring at your body in that situation, they are crossing a consent boundary. Even though I can be attracted to girls, I never looked at other people when we were changing in the locker room. I minded my own business because changing is a moment of vulnerability. If someone watches you do that in a non-intimate, nonconsensual situation, they are being inappropriate. And anyone can cross that boundary, whether attraction exists or not. Peeking to “compare notes”? Crossing a boundary, innocently intended or not. Watching someone change to try and intimidate? Crossing a line, whether you just want to make them nervous or have sexual intentions or not. What I’m saying is that people can be attracted to me or not and I’ll still change in a locker room with them because of the implied trust of the situation. It’s locker room etiquette not to look, comment, make faces at, or any other kind of reaction because it’s breaking the rules of the space.
Sexuality for me doesn’t impact anything to me, in a lot of ways like gender doesn’t. It’s just a thing to me, but it’s okay that it does mean something to other people. As long as they don’t impose their personal truth over someone else’s. I don’t want to care about it. I don’t want to get married or personally deliver a baby. I don’t want to be expected to do all the cooking and cleaning. I’m just not about it all. I want to do what I want to do. I want to train dogs and do manual work and cultivate succulents and read books and watch football. Gender doesn’t factor into any of that. Sexuality doesn’t factor into any of that.
I lost track of what I was saying…
So, I don’t know what my gender and sexuality are labeled as. Having a name for either doesn’t matter to me. I am who I am and I like who and what I like. The same for anyone else. I don’t have to understand the exact circumstances of another human being to respect their decisions and wishes. As long as every party involved is a consenting adult, it’s none of my business to judge. If any part is not consenting or adult, that situation becomes a hard no, otherwise sure. I might ask questions, but they’re just questions to learn more about something not to cast judgement. I might not understand the decision, but it’s not mine to make. I expect the same respect vise-versa. If I do get rude about it, please correct me. I can be an asshole, sometimes on purpose and sometimes it’s just my natural personality. Just correct me. I want to learn more, I’m just kinda off-putting as a person.
To the people who know me and are uncomfortable having read this, I’m sorry. I’ve never hidden who I am but I’m not the most honest in offering up this kind of information. I’m totally comfortable talking about it if you need to. I don’t even think I understand these two things fully about myself yet so if you have questions, ask and I’ll do my best. Please don’t quote Bible verses at me. I’m very comfortable with my faith as well and nothing you quote will impact who I am. If you don’t know me and have a question, I’ll answer those as well. Remember, I’m not an expert or knowledgable in gender and sexuality overall, I just have experience with my own and can only answer questions about that.
~Jessa Sage~
A Girl With A Story 